I am more and more convinced that my second ceremony wherein I was “not responsive” for several hours was where Mama Aya,figured out a lot of connections that she then made possible for me to reconstruct when I got back to my regular life.
I know that I developed, as a survival strategy when I was very young, what I call wilfull ignorance. It was a way of ignoring inconsistencies in family stories, avoiding questions and generally not having to deal with the craziness. It was a pretty good strategy except, as with all childhood survival strategies, they’re not useful when you have to deal as an adult with the “real” world. Only by then you just have this set of behaviors with no memory of why and how you developed them. And very often, they become monsters that control your life.
The monster gets assistance from the ways we learn to lie to ourselves in the family, the ways we things we do to dull the pain of knowing that we are not presenting our true selves to the world. Some people become quite successful in what the world calls success by focusing on things like work, money, getting ahead. But if we don’t deal with our false selves we fail in our relationships. I can say that I have not been successful in the ways the world considers success. And although all of my relationships need work, I have pretty good relationships because I have striven to be honest about my true and false selves. But you need more than honesty. You need knowledge. And my strategy was directly related to not having the knowledge. I did not know how to get there from here. Mama Aya did and she has been giving it to me bit by bit since I participated in the Ayahuasca ceremonies. I am grateful.