Thursday the 2oth: Processing


That is the Spokane River when the water was high. Now I am back in Spokane and have been sharing with a few folks our adventures. Talking with my boss, Kay, was enlightening. She pointed out how this pilgrimage was very much an Advent adventure waiting to give birth to the Christ in me. I thought about that whole experience after the 1st Ayahuasca ceremony of feeling like I was pregnant with a baby elephant.  That and the healing experience with Wakana seemed to confirm that giving birth to a new form of spirituality was in the works… is still in the works. I think about the resistance that Wakana warned me about during the Siba. I recognize that that resistance is buried so deep inside that I don’t have access to it except as a response to something  that I feel is being forced on me. I do not seem to have the ability to manage that resistance. That will change now that I know it is there. Another thing Kay talked about is four styles of response. She’d been reading aobut it and says that the author talks about a style of response that is resistive. Only 17 % of people respond in that way. Well, apparently, I am in the 17%. Not bad, of course, except that without that knowledge I have no ability to choose how and wen to resist. These are things that I have been working on for a lot of years. Truth to tell, that I was resistive to most of the help that I sought. It’s a trust thing. Another piece of the puzzle. Pretty sure I would not have figured any of this out without the help of “Mama Aya.”

I’ve talked to Dan and Leroy a little. They too are processing but have not had anything significant to say that i can add to this post.

Backing up  little I want to say that working through some trust around what I was getting into was the core of my work during the 1st ceremony. I was raised with a lot of mistrust that is what one might call a universal mistrust. I have come to understand that my mistrust was planted in me with shame and fear to keep me in line with the beliefs of my parents. What I did not know is how deeply ingrained that mistrust was causing me to have paranoia. That got worked through but I am still working to reconcile new experiences with old beliefs. As long as you live you’re working out the stuff put in you from infancy, even. It’s grace.


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